WHY IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO PASS ON THE NEWS THAT MY PAPA STILL HAS CANCER THROUGH A FACEBOOK MESSAGE AS AN ASIDE????
I get a message from my mom: oh hows it going, blah blahblah... not much new, this is what I am up to, oh and byt he way papa might still have cancer. see you later have a great weekend!
FUCK YOU!
My journey through a program for people who have been affected by other people who are addicts.
Sponsor me?
So I think its time. I have been watching people who regularly attend the meetings I go to and there is one lady that keeps pushing me to call her. I did that today (she has been asking for about a month now) and I didnt know what to say to her. She did say she was glad I called and we had a little bit of small talk so that was cool. I dont know if she is the one for me, but all the signs keep pointing to her. Its so weird to ask a total stranger for help, or to shoot the shit about your deepest darkest issues, but thats what a sponsor does. Help you work through stuff and give you some knowledge or experience.
I sometimes wonder if I should attend an AA speaker meeting. Maybe thats a question to ask her.
I sometimes wonder if I should attend an AA speaker meeting. Maybe thats a question to ask her.
Its time to take the first step
So I am going to use this post to talk out loud to myself (and I suppose anyone who is reading) about the first step. I should probably use the copyright disclaimer that all quoted materical comes from the 'How Al-Anon Works for Fmailies & friends of Alcoholics).
It wont all be completed in one writing, so I will be continually editing until its done. I will make it clear I am done at the end ;)
Step One:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
I have to admit this? Seems pretty simple. I AM powerless over alcohol! but I hadnt realized my life had become unmanageable.
I thought I had my shit together. Everyone else thought I had my shit together too. I was a control freak, so thats how I seemed so organized and put together I suppose. It wasnt that i had all my ducks in a row, so much as that I had every aspect of my life so tightly controlled that of course it was all working out how I thought it should be! I busted my ass making sure people did what i thought they should do.
I busted my ass making sure people were at the right distance from me emotionally. I had to control my kids and husband so my home life was 'normal'. I had to have everything figured out AND I had to know every possible back up plan, in case the original plan fell through. There were no surprises for me. And if you did throw me a surprise, you were going to get shit on for it. How dare you wreck my perfectly orchestrated life? Jeezus!
I think I am to a point now where I am better able to see that I am controlling and manipulating, and I am able to stop or change it. i am able to let go and let the people in my life be free.
So lets check out the long version of the step and make sure I have all the bases covered!
'Each of our lives has been devastated by someone else's drinking. We can not change that fact." Yep. Got it. He's an alcoholic and thats the way it is.
"we have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism." What? Stop the bus! What do you mean its a disease? Did someone catch it? Is it spreading?
This sentence was a hurdle for me for the longest time. It seemed like an excuse - I couldnt help that I abandoned you and didnt give a shit all those years! I am an alcoholic! its my disease! Um, no. Not good enough. You mean to tell me that the disease made him be a shitty father? But he has been sober for 20 some years, so why in those 20 some years didnt he change? The disease made him do it? If you are a sober alcoholic arent you supposed to be cured/fixed/better? If you are in AA and are working the steps, shouldnt you be to the point where you are a different or better person? I think this is a good spot to end today. I cant believe I got stuck on the third sentnce!
It wont all be completed in one writing, so I will be continually editing until its done. I will make it clear I am done at the end ;)
Step One:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
I have to admit this? Seems pretty simple. I AM powerless over alcohol! but I hadnt realized my life had become unmanageable.
I thought I had my shit together. Everyone else thought I had my shit together too. I was a control freak, so thats how I seemed so organized and put together I suppose. It wasnt that i had all my ducks in a row, so much as that I had every aspect of my life so tightly controlled that of course it was all working out how I thought it should be! I busted my ass making sure people did what i thought they should do.
I busted my ass making sure people were at the right distance from me emotionally. I had to control my kids and husband so my home life was 'normal'. I had to have everything figured out AND I had to know every possible back up plan, in case the original plan fell through. There were no surprises for me. And if you did throw me a surprise, you were going to get shit on for it. How dare you wreck my perfectly orchestrated life? Jeezus!
I think I am to a point now where I am better able to see that I am controlling and manipulating, and I am able to stop or change it. i am able to let go and let the people in my life be free.
So lets check out the long version of the step and make sure I have all the bases covered!
'Each of our lives has been devastated by someone else's drinking. We can not change that fact." Yep. Got it. He's an alcoholic and thats the way it is.
"we have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism." What? Stop the bus! What do you mean its a disease? Did someone catch it? Is it spreading?
This sentence was a hurdle for me for the longest time. It seemed like an excuse - I couldnt help that I abandoned you and didnt give a shit all those years! I am an alcoholic! its my disease! Um, no. Not good enough. You mean to tell me that the disease made him be a shitty father? But he has been sober for 20 some years, so why in those 20 some years didnt he change? The disease made him do it? If you are a sober alcoholic arent you supposed to be cured/fixed/better? If you are in AA and are working the steps, shouldnt you be to the point where you are a different or better person? I think this is a good spot to end today. I cant believe I got stuck on the third sentnce!
friends and frienemies alike!
Today was a day to reflect on friendships. Its ironic how the same themes and topics pop up repeatedly in a day. At my meeting this morning we talked about expectations and I talked about how my friend is late. Always late. She is famous for it! And I talked about how my biggest pet peeve is lateness in people. It drives me insane! And at the meeting I told them how I dont know how I managed to not go completely insane with my friend of 22 years who is always late, but it seems when she does it, it doesnt bother me, and I didnt understand why.
I figured out why within 2 hours of the meeting. I went to meet her for lunch and one of the first things she says to me is: can you believe I am on time? Well we talked through lunch and we talked about friendships. We talked about how sometimes you are a total douche to your friends, and its not cool, but its ok, cause when it matters, you are there for your friends. Thats why her lateness was not an issue. I knew I could count on her - to be late, AND to be there.
Why does this matter in the grand scheme of things? Well, it matters because not everyone is able to be a true friend. For whatever reason. It might even be a good reason, but does it mean we should have to still put up with them? The nice and good thing to do is to give everyone a chance. To let them fall and help them up. If they are sick, you want to help them. But I think its important to think about what will happen if you are the one who is sick! Who will help you? Who can you count on? Those people you just thought of when you were answering that question are the ones you should be giving 95% of your time and effort to.
I dont think you have to necessarily cut people out either. But give what you get. Dont offer more than a person is willing to do for you, but make sure you are giving as much to the people who are giving to you. Those are the ones that deserve your time!
This comment from today was something that made me think too: I shouldnt judge people when they tell me dirty secrets or stuff they have done. I should feel honoured they chose me to share this with! This intimate little tidbit of themselves is a big deal, and not something I should hold over their head or give them the evil stink eye of judgement over. Its a treasure, whether I agree with what they are telling me or not. I wanted to type that out so that I could come back and see it and remember this clarity.
I figured out why within 2 hours of the meeting. I went to meet her for lunch and one of the first things she says to me is: can you believe I am on time? Well we talked through lunch and we talked about friendships. We talked about how sometimes you are a total douche to your friends, and its not cool, but its ok, cause when it matters, you are there for your friends. Thats why her lateness was not an issue. I knew I could count on her - to be late, AND to be there.
Why does this matter in the grand scheme of things? Well, it matters because not everyone is able to be a true friend. For whatever reason. It might even be a good reason, but does it mean we should have to still put up with them? The nice and good thing to do is to give everyone a chance. To let them fall and help them up. If they are sick, you want to help them. But I think its important to think about what will happen if you are the one who is sick! Who will help you? Who can you count on? Those people you just thought of when you were answering that question are the ones you should be giving 95% of your time and effort to.
I dont think you have to necessarily cut people out either. But give what you get. Dont offer more than a person is willing to do for you, but make sure you are giving as much to the people who are giving to you. Those are the ones that deserve your time!
This comment from today was something that made me think too: I shouldnt judge people when they tell me dirty secrets or stuff they have done. I should feel honoured they chose me to share this with! This intimate little tidbit of themselves is a big deal, and not something I should hold over their head or give them the evil stink eye of judgement over. Its a treasure, whether I agree with what they are telling me or not. I wanted to type that out so that I could come back and see it and remember this clarity.
But what if I fail?
My dream job has come up today. I found it on a job board and I am frozen. I am so axious I feel ill and shaky. What if I apply and I fail? It would crush me! I would feel so defeated.
I have been offered this same job 2 times in the past without even applying for it. I had been asked to work for the top two companies in Edmonton, yet I feel like I would not be good enough here. I cant tell you what an extra 70-85K would make. We're talking a maid for crying out loud. I feel like if I am sucessful in getting this job, we would be set for LIFE. My first real career. I feel sick with worry about failing.
I have been offered this same job 2 times in the past without even applying for it. I had been asked to work for the top two companies in Edmonton, yet I feel like I would not be good enough here. I cant tell you what an extra 70-85K would make. We're talking a maid for crying out loud. I feel like if I am sucessful in getting this job, we would be set for LIFE. My first real career. I feel sick with worry about failing.
Where the hell were you 20 years ago?
So I made a dumb facebook status that made me giggle. I didnt mean it at all, it was just for laughs and was basically about throwing my kids to the wolves and the wolves not having a chance. My friends commented with comments like sell them to the gypsies! Buy a cage! And my Aunt replied with 'now now...' and it really pissed me off.
Who the hell are you to chime in? Where were you my whole life? Cause you know what? When my dad left, his whole family dropped me like the plague. No one tried to see me. No one called me. no one sent me a card on my birthdays. So fuck you! Fuck you and your tisk tisk finger wagging bull shit! Dont you DARE judge me and my parenting cause I have your file on record too. Fuck all of you who couldnt be bothered with me.
Who the hell are you to chime in? Where were you my whole life? Cause you know what? When my dad left, his whole family dropped me like the plague. No one tried to see me. No one called me. no one sent me a card on my birthdays. So fuck you! Fuck you and your tisk tisk finger wagging bull shit! Dont you DARE judge me and my parenting cause I have your file on record too. Fuck all of you who couldnt be bothered with me.
When the void looks back at you
I have terrible anxiety.
I have never in my life realized it or knew what it was.
My significant other wanted to go out on the weekend and drink and spend the night and I literally went crazy. I was shaking, sobbing, screaming, and totally ready to lose my shit.
They dont get it though. They dont get that people leave me. They leave me because I am not good enough or I have done something or there is something so terribly wrong with me that they cant stay or if they do stay they regret every minute of it.
They think I have to just trust them but I dont know how. I was never shown how. This is the foundation of who I am and how I was raised. I will protect myself at all costs.
This may not make any sense to anyone reading it. It barely makes sense to me, but I am still trying to sort it all out myself. I think its time to look into how I am going to get a sponsor. I need a sponsor to help me get my head around it all.
My Dad never emailed me to tell me he made it to BC. Maybe fate obliged me and he did end up in a firy wreck.
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