Its time to take the first step

So I am going to use this post to talk out loud to myself (and I suppose anyone who is reading) about the first step.  I should probably use the copyright disclaimer that all quoted materical comes from the 'How Al-Anon Works for Fmailies & friends of Alcoholics).

It wont all be completed in one writing, so I will be continually editing until its done.  I will make it clear I am done at the end ;)

Step One:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

I have to admit this?  Seems pretty simple.  I AM powerless over alcohol! but I hadnt realized my life had become unmanageable.

I thought I had my shit together.  Everyone else thought I had my shit together too.  I was a control freak, so thats how I seemed so organized and put together I suppose.  It wasnt that i had all my ducks in a row, so much as that I had every aspect of my life so tightly controlled that of course it was all working out how I thought it should be!  I busted my ass making sure people did what i thought they should do.

I busted my ass making sure people were at the right distance from me emotionally.  I had to control my kids and husband so my home life was 'normal'.  I had to have everything figured out AND I had to know every possible back up plan, in case the original plan fell through.  There were no surprises for me.  And if you did throw me a surprise, you were going to get shit on for it.  How dare you wreck my perfectly orchestrated life?  Jeezus!

I think I am to a point now where I am better able to see that I am controlling and manipulating, and I am able to stop or change it.  i am able to let go and let the people in my life be free.  

So lets check out the long version of the step and make sure I have all the bases covered!

'Each of our lives has been devastated by someone else's drinking.  We can not change that fact."  Yep.  Got it.  He's an alcoholic and thats the way it is.

"we have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism."  What?  Stop the bus!  What do you mean its a disease? Did someone catch it? Is it spreading?

This sentence was a hurdle for me for the longest time.  It seemed like an excuse - I couldnt help that I abandoned you and didnt give a shit all those years! I am an alcoholic!  its my disease!  Um, no.  Not good enough.  You mean to tell me that the disease made him be a shitty father?  But he has been sober for 20 some years, so why in those 20 some years didnt he change?  The disease made him do it?  If you are a sober alcoholic arent you supposed to be cured/fixed/better?  If you are in AA and are working the steps, shouldnt you be to the point where you are a different or better person?  I think this is a good spot to end today.  I cant believe I got stuck on the third sentnce!