There is a void in my life and I fill it with crap. I fill it with stuff. I fill it with people. I fill it with blogging. ;)
I fill it with activities.
I need the validation. I need people to tell me: Wow! Youre so amazing! Look at all the stuff you have/do/know! Not to say I want people to be jealous of me, I want people to give me approval. I am deficient in acceptance and so I work my ass off to do things to 'dazzle' people.
I am pretty good at it, to be honest, but I want more. But its never enough. I need more. I have to find ways to get more. So I find something else to do. Something else to learn. Something else to conquer.
Doesnt sound too bad right? But the thing is time is infinite. I only have so much of it. So I can use it to find ways to be validated, or I can spend it with my kids, with my family and doing stuff for us. For me or for us. Sounds like a simple choice, but at the end of the day I still need that validation.
My journey through a program for people who have been affected by other people who are addicts.
Meeting
The meeting went well.
I went and every night there is a topic and every night I discuss as best I can the topic.
After the meeting, I found out that you can actually discuss anything you like. It doesnt even have to be the topic! So this week, they are in for a shocker.
The topic was about making amends to people you have hurt. I came home to discuss that with my husband and said there is no way I can make ammends. I will not! How can I get through this if I am not willing to do this step? He said to me: No one said you have to make ammends to people who hurt you.
This struck me because I was sucked into the thinking that I must have done or not done something to my Dad. Why else would he just be willing to up and leave all the time? I must not have done something right! In that one visit in June there must have been something that set him off in order to not want to be involved.
how crazy. How crazy am I to think that a narcissist (and he is a narcissist) would put that much stock in someone else! It likely had nothing to do with me and never has. I now have to deal with the fact that I was never a factor in his life and it was all about him all the time. Still is. And forever will be.
So I am past hoping he dies in a firey crash on his drive across the country. I am now willing to hope he made it and that he is just miserable forever. Thats a nicer form of hate, and in my opinion, a step up in the ammends department.
I went and every night there is a topic and every night I discuss as best I can the topic.
After the meeting, I found out that you can actually discuss anything you like. It doesnt even have to be the topic! So this week, they are in for a shocker.
The topic was about making amends to people you have hurt. I came home to discuss that with my husband and said there is no way I can make ammends. I will not! How can I get through this if I am not willing to do this step? He said to me: No one said you have to make ammends to people who hurt you.
This struck me because I was sucked into the thinking that I must have done or not done something to my Dad. Why else would he just be willing to up and leave all the time? I must not have done something right! In that one visit in June there must have been something that set him off in order to not want to be involved.
how crazy. How crazy am I to think that a narcissist (and he is a narcissist) would put that much stock in someone else! It likely had nothing to do with me and never has. I now have to deal with the fact that I was never a factor in his life and it was all about him all the time. Still is. And forever will be.
So I am past hoping he dies in a firey crash on his drive across the country. I am now willing to hope he made it and that he is just miserable forever. Thats a nicer form of hate, and in my opinion, a step up in the ammends department.
Rough week
So the alcoholic parent who abandonned me with no notice 28ish years ago has just up and left again. I have decided I have had enough of this. I cant deal. How do you cope with a narcissist for a parent? I have no idea.
I have a meeting tonight, but I dont know what to say. I cant vent about what a dickless son of a bitch he is cause I cant bad mouth the addict. I cant tell them I am just going to block him out of my life cause thats controlling and manipulating him and also a no no. I dont know where the line is where I do whats right for me vs whats not the right thing to do.
I have a meeting tonight, but I dont know what to say. I cant vent about what a dickless son of a bitch he is cause I cant bad mouth the addict. I cant tell them I am just going to block him out of my life cause thats controlling and manipulating him and also a no no. I dont know where the line is where I do whats right for me vs whats not the right thing to do.
the morning after
So here it is the morning after.
I woke up surprised to find out that I am still a control freak. I dont know if I thought awareness of the fact would erase it that quickly, but I was disappointed. This might take some work. And thats the problem. I dont know what it is that I have to do to lose control.
If I just float along and have no control over anything, then what? Am I at the mercy of fate? Can I blame everyone and everything else for my problems because I gave up control of my life to get better and therefore its not my fault? Is there something I am missing here? I have to be missing something here.
My whole life is about control. I dont know how to cope without being in control of everything. Even the things I dont really have control over, I still manage to find a way to get some kind of control of it to make it manageable.
I really hoped I would wake up today and it would be fixed through awareness.
I woke up surprised to find out that I am still a control freak. I dont know if I thought awareness of the fact would erase it that quickly, but I was disappointed. This might take some work. And thats the problem. I dont know what it is that I have to do to lose control.
If I just float along and have no control over anything, then what? Am I at the mercy of fate? Can I blame everyone and everything else for my problems because I gave up control of my life to get better and therefore its not my fault? Is there something I am missing here? I have to be missing something here.
My whole life is about control. I dont know how to cope without being in control of everything. Even the things I dont really have control over, I still manage to find a way to get some kind of control of it to make it manageable.
I really hoped I would wake up today and it would be fixed through awareness.
First night
So I just had a meeting for the first time. I didnt know what to expect. I was petrified. A room full of 20 strangers. 20 strangers wondering who I was and what my story was. I listened to them talk and at first I really didnt think this was the thing for me.
A little background:
My dad is an alcoholic. He left when I was 5 and opted out of my life and ran off to Saskatchewan. I dont really feel like I lived with the disease of alcoholism. But here I was at this meeting thinking: yes! Yes I totally understand what you are saying! Yes! I am thinking that!
Could it be that I am more affected than I thought? Could these people be on to something?
I stayed. I promised to return the following week. I agreed that yes I am a control freak, but no I dont see how I can live my life without having control.
Control is my biggest issue at this point and I have no idea how I am going to give it up....
A little background:
My dad is an alcoholic. He left when I was 5 and opted out of my life and ran off to Saskatchewan. I dont really feel like I lived with the disease of alcoholism. But here I was at this meeting thinking: yes! Yes I totally understand what you are saying! Yes! I am thinking that!
Could it be that I am more affected than I thought? Could these people be on to something?
I stayed. I promised to return the following week. I agreed that yes I am a control freak, but no I dont see how I can live my life without having control.
Control is my biggest issue at this point and I have no idea how I am going to give it up....
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